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Saturday, May 3rd, 2003
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2:02 am
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Is it even worth it anymore? I remember the little things that made my eyes open and shine.
I went to sleep today. I went to sleep all day. I didn't want to deal with anything. Sleep is an amazing tool.
Today, I went to this lady's house afterschool with 4 other girls. She is so sweet to me. One day she bought me a medium size vegetarian pizza. She didn't order vegetarian this time, but I picked off the meat. At first I tried to eat it, but I didn't like it at all. I don't like meat. Meat!@ %#
I like brushing my teeth.
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| Friday, May 2nd, 2003
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7:30 pm
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What is wrong with you?-mom. She says I have low expectations. That I should of been an artist, that i'm wasting my potential in haircutting. That I aim low. That i'm too smart to do this. Part of it is true. I do like haircutting, but I would of liked to go to art school, or gotten a degree in art. I guess it seems like it would take to long, and I want to get out of here. With all the time I spent debating on what to do and quitting things, I could of already been graduating probably. I would of had fun doing art things, and meeting people who are interested in art. But, I can do that on my own. I should respect myself more. I should stop setting minimum standards. I should only accept the best and nothing less. With everything. Maybe I should do some alterations in my life. I don't know, this entry is stupid.
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| Sunday, April 27th, 2003
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9:37 am
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The show last night was awful. Eileen and I tried to make the best of it, but everything was so lame. The bands didn't go together, the venue, the PEOPLE. But, I still managed to dance. I was attempting to have fun or make the best out of a bad situation. And, I think i'm going through some kind of change again. I'm going to eat meat again. I don't care anymore. I have a headache and I don't want to hang out with Liz today. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I just want to sleep.
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| Friday, April 25th, 2003
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9:02 pm - OK.
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Different people from my job keep calling me using their cell phones. Why don't they just get the clue? I quit. I hate them.
Among those many calls, which did not include any from the only person I care to talk to... Was Liz. It showed up annoymous. We kept saying hello back in forth until she said "hey it's liz". I didn't want to be a part of her life, but maybe it could work out. We are hanging out on Sunday and having some vietnamese and bubble tea.
I drove around with the purpose of gathering up applications from bookstores. I figured that a slow pace place would be good for me, so I can do what I do best... daydream. Instead I went to the record store and bought a ticket to the faint/les savy fav. I didn't want to go until Eileen mentioned she was going. I don't want to see anybody I know there, but I will. It should be ok.
Tomorrow I have to go to an extra class. We don't have to be in uniform. With that i'm going to take the opportunity to let them dye my hair blue black.
I want to cry.
I'm not happy with myself right now. I decided to volunteer for this thing next month. It's basically where I give cancer patients make-overs and make them feel better about themselves. I'm nervous and wondering if those people really want me to be there. I hope I can make them feel good about themselves. I've been really selfish all my life. I'm really tired of not doing anything that matters. Maybe that's what is bothering me...
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4:43 pm
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I don't even have the guts to say I quit. I have to have my phones by my side, so I can quickly hang up, and wait till the two days are over. When they are over, than it means that I quit. Without even saying a word, I have just made an impact. Two weeks notice. What a joke. If they would of fired me, they wouldn't of given me a two weeks notice. They don't care. I hate them. But that's the end of that.
I had a good talk with a friend last night about learning when and not to care. All this build up anxiety, and all of this fear of having people leave me once they know how wacky my emotions are. I heard on the radio once "people on the internet are either crazy or ugly". And I have an online journal. That really says a lot about me. Oh how I wish I could vocalize this.
Zoloft. I hated taking it, and now that I have stopped, things have been turned up 100 times. The little things that have annoyed me have been magnified. I can't even be around people. I don't want to be. I know i'm going to be an asshole if I am.
As much as I would like not having a job. The truth is that I don't really need one. It's more like a thing to do for extra money. But,... i'm one of those people that get high off of shopping. It doesn't matter what I buy. As long as I buy something, I feel really happy. That's horrible.
My classmate, Paula, she takes drugs. She gave me an adderol [sp?] once in hopes that it would make me act like a rat on a wheel. Nope. It just made me cranky. Weed makes me sleepy. Drinking does the same. I've never been the type who does drugs. I never wanted to, especially since it was cool at the time. And now I feel like i'm at some kind of reverse crisis. I'm acting like a child. I'm 20 years old. Still young. But, all my life I have acted mature. I just hate everything now. Not everything, but i'm frusterated. And it's only temporary frustration that I have to tolerate for a short amount of time. For one, I hate living with my parents. I can't afford to live on my own right now. I go to school full time. Now, jobless. I hate to admit it, but i'm depressed. It's hard to motivate myself. More later...
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